©Julia Welstead

In addition to our basic physical needs for survival (food, shelter, air, warmth and so on) we have emotional needs which can be equally crucial to our ability to not just survive, but to thrive and flourish. Among these is the need for connection to others, both on a one-to-one level and at a wider community level. With respect to the exceptional few who prefer to be alone (and I’ll bet even they chat away to their dogs, cats and radios and feel happier when they’ve seen the postie) the majority of us recognise our needs for connection, love, inclusion, community and kinship (CLICK).

Understanding this and acting upon it can, however, be very different things. Stress and strife at home or work can make us want nothing more than to get away from others, avoid difficult conversations and stonewall communication. Sometimes cooperation amongst us humans can be fraught. But imagine if we had not evolved as social beings – where would we be today if our ancestors had not grouped together in cooperation to protect, nourish, pro-create, investigate and invent? Through mutual connection we created the optimum conditions for human survival, whereby an effectively functioning society expected all individuals to play a pertinent role, relative to their abilities.  Historically, there was nothing worse than to be outcast from one’s tribe, as it meant inevitable hunger and danger and probable death. This translates today as those disaffected, angry and despairing people who can’t find jobs or community roles, and also in those who may be at the top of their career or be materialistically rich, but have isolated and alienated themselves through excessive greed, selfishness and workaholism.

Our ability to connect begins with, and is learned through, connection with our first carer: Mum, Dad, a grandparent or a non-related carer. The crucial elements are eye contact, smiling, physical contact, talking, feeding and comforting, reliable positive doses of which lead to a secure attachment from which can grow a confident, curious, competent and cooperative adult member of society. We now know that a caring hand on a bumped knee physically helps the healing process by stimulating the parasympathetic nervous system, and verbal reassurance that everything is OK effectively ‘dials down’ the pain (this works for all of us, not just children). Research also shows that a caring pre-op visit from the surgeon can enhance speedy recovery for that patient.

So what of this thing called love? Love comes in many forms and need not involve the traditional sexual relationship with which we tend to connect it. Our ability to give and receive love, to care and be cared for, to have there and to be there for, another individual, has a crucial part to play in our emotional development and health. In case any single readers are groaning as they read this, I want to emphasise that this need not be an intimate physical relationship. The crucial elements of this level of connection are that you can be totally open and honest and accept each other ‘warts and all’ (which puts me in mind of the relationship between Billy Mack and Joe in ‘Love Actually’). And don’t forget your mutt or mog here: the role of pets in helping us to feel loved, needed and not alone should not be underestimated.

Our biological drive for intimacy with another is powerful for good reason: it has a measureable effect upon our health, particularly and appropriately the health of our heart. Studies now show that emotional wellbeing significantly transcends other factors such as cholesterol level, diet, smoking, exercise and family history, in the outcome of heart disease. Being loved also makes us more resilient, gives us a greater sense of self-worth and helps us to positively alter the course of our own lives and overcome adversity.

Within our societal structure there is an intriguing ‘law’ whereby humans function best in units of around 150. From ancient tribes to modern military organisations 150 seems to be the optimum size of a functional unit in which everyone can feel known, involved and appreciated, can develop personal loyalties and can enjoy a sense of belonging. Today’s age of globalization and media communication causes significant stress to the human psyche, which is designed and attuned to living in small communities, and it is illuminating how often we choose to create a sense of community through small groups, committees, clubs and online networks. This is notable within cities where inhabitants will often gel into smaller ‘villages’ (as in Stockbridge, the Newtown, Leith, Morningside etc within Edinburgh). Family and kinship come in to play here too: links that can stretch across continents and help us to feel a part of a social group despite our geographical dislocation.

The elements of clicking within our habitat don’t tend to come and find us but rather we have to actively seek them out: engage, communicate, positively offer and nurture. Sometimes the effort may seem great, but overall the rewards are greater.